The Ordeal

It is same time of the year when you sit glued to the UPSC website and follow many blogs which speculate the cut-off and probable date of result of CS Mains Examination.

So, on 22nd Feb, I was restless since morning and after 3 pm kept checking the commission's website every 15-20 minutes for result. As it turned out, the result was published around 1830 hours and much to my agony, I didn't find my roll no amongst the list of successful candidates. This marked end of another yearly cycle of going through basic NCERT Books, Newspapers etc.

The failure has become kind of annual ritual for me, with success being elusive since the old school days. As I drove back to home with exasperated, had this numb feeling could feel my limbs, questions came to my mind where did i loose it?  Questions ranging from whether it was wrong choice of optionals or lack of writing practice or should I really be writing Services exam in the first place were flooding my mind.

Having devoted close to 3 years in preparing for Services exams have had their effect on both personal and professional aspects. There has been a constant, untiring support from family and friends, but then How long shall I continue following this unfulfilled dream of mine at cost of personal and professional aspects?

Looking around, I find people progressing on their tracks but time has kind of stood still for me. I find myself still stuck in the year 2010. I had choose Civil services over higher studies, now there is no going back. The hair have already started to grey. At this juncture, there is also on consolation prize on offer as well. The only silver lining remains that at least I have continued with my job (however unrewarding it might have been).

Now, since failure is always unwelcome but this year, the turn of events before result has made it even more painful. Weeks before result, I received a letter at home from Commission asking for re-submission of certain certificate as one i had submitted earlier couldn't be verified. This letter had set the beliefs at home and to some extent in me as well, that may be may be this time, i might have crossed the line. What makes the failure painful is that there were hopes ignited at home who have waited patiently for 3-4 years for some good news. As I fail, these hopes would once again suffer a setback.

So, the question again remains, Shall I write the exam again this year? The answer was at back of my mind the instance I didn't find my Roll No in list. YES, I would!

I don't see myself continuing with my current job. Also having chosen preparing for Services over going for higher studies, I do not see "not" writing the exam again as an option.

Moreover, the urge to be a Civil Servant is like quicksand, the harder I try to come out of it (citing failures), faster I get sinking into the preparation for next battle. With successive failures year on year, I feel inching closer and closer to that prestigious post.

Failures, they say, are part of life and one must face them head on. Let me make it clear, it is much easier said than done. Failure not only hamper you, it does effect your near and dear ones in many worse ways than it does you in first place. The only way to over come Failure is to start again with a clear mind, with a firm resolve of doing things in right way and belief in your ability to succeed.

To end it in a filmy way, since there are No Unhappy Endings, so lets brace for the year 2013. Prepare a fresh. May be much elusive success is just around the corner. There are talks of major change in mains pattern in 2013 if that happens, it would work to my advantage. For the clearing the Preliminary remains the focus.